Friends? Or Friends with Benefits?

So this questions comes up a lot when women talk to me about a guy they may have dated and things didn't seem to work in the romance department, but they wanted to remain friends with the guy instead. They mention how maybe they weren't attracted to him physically "that way" or maybe she wasn't ready to commit yet and she just wanted to "be friends". Yes, the dreaded, F-word! So allow me to answer the age old question.

So can a man and woman REALLY be friends?

This is a tricky question. Even I, who has had a very close friendship with a man, am not 100% sure what it takes to be friends with a guy or vice versa, friends with a girl.

Many things have to come into play. I will try to break them down one by one to make sense and in doing so, you'd have to ask yourself a few questions.

1) Is the man or woman you want to be friends with physically attractive to you?

2) Have you too ever been intimate together?

3) Does one of you still see yourself dating and being with the other person?

If you have answered "yes" to any or all of these questions, then most likely "No, you will not be able to JUST be friends with this person." But there ARE exceptions.

Allow me to explain.... again....

First, if you find this person to be physically attractive (and of course, if they find you to be physically attractive) then it is highly unlikely "just friends" would ever work. And with that, is the question "Have you ever been intimate together?" Don't get me wrong, it IS possible to be attracted to someone and NOT have sex with them, but it is also REALLY hard. Men, based on fact, think about sex more than women but don't forget women think a lot about sex too. And if you are physically attracted to someone AND you have already been intimate with them, BINGO, then you both will most likely not only be able to be "just friends". It is pretty inevitable.

With that said, comes the last question "Could you see yourself being with this person?" If you can see yourself with them on more than a friend level, but on a dating/marriage level then you are more than friends or being "just friends" with this person will be nearly impossible.

But remember it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, because there are exceptions to every rule. But please understand this is extremely rare.

These are some of the exceptions to the rule.

1) If you have already dated this person, either just once or for years, friends is something that will NOT be possible right away. I have never known a split up couple to be friends immediately following a breakup. It can take weeks, sometimes years for this to be possible, but it can be possible. Give it tem years, you are both now happily married, with kids.... sure, friends COULD be possible.

2) If you have already had sex with this person (a friend or ex), you have pretty much walked down a dead-end road. There is no way to act as though it never happened and no way to take it back. An important fact that will never change is : SEX CHANGES EVERYTHING! Period. Once sex comes into the scenario, your friendship will never be the same at least not for awhile. Same goes for if you were intimate together in the past. You will be able to be friends after this, but mostly likely many many years down the road.

3) Is this person in a relationship? Are you? Are your significant others "okay" with your friendship with this person? Usually more often than not, they are NOT okay with it. Hence, drama or struggle in the friendship which can cause the two of you to have a difficult, if not impossible friendship. And it's the world we live in most of the time. A world full of affairs, divorce and being untrusting. You can blame Desperate Housewives, EVERY single day-time soap opera and the high divorce rate for this. Unfortunately we live in a time that accepts a happy divorce as much as happy marriage.

So I guess the real question is "What makes a friend?"

Webster defines it as "One attached to another by affection." While Wikepedia defines it as "Mutual understanding, mutual compassion and the tendency to desire what is best for the other." From experience I can say that I have had friends, or should I say acquaintances that I considered friends, and I didn't trust them nor did I feel there was mutual compassion. This would be of course a one-sided friendship. This occurs often when a friendship is based off of one person of each sex. But, again, there are exceptions.

So the bottom line is this. Men and women CAN be friends but it's like a one in million, needle in a haystack sort of friendship. It takes A LOT of work, A LOT of understanding and absolutely NO tension, sexual or otherwise.

So, if you are friends with someone of the opposite sex (and I mean AS CLOSE to them as you would be to your best friend of the same sex), then I give you massive kudos. Not only have you achieved an amazing friendship, but you have also pretty much done the impossible.

Being single---- the "burning" question....

I have been asked this question many times and I feel this one should start the "list." It is actually a very simple question with a very simple answer. The problem with the answer though is that in order to accomplish what needs to be done is complicated.

WHY IS IT THAT SOME PEOPLE HAVE ONE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND AFTER ANOTHER, WHILE OTHERS DON'T EVER HAVE ANY OR GET STUCK IN CONSTANT BAD RELATIONSHIPS?

This could be for a variety of reasons from the most blunt and obvious to the most unlikely and shocking. The blunt and obvious are that these women or men are "easy", handsome, beautiful, wealthy, etc, but that's not always the case. Although sometimes- even though I hate to admit it- it is the case. Most of these traits are obvious ones and are "visual"- they can be seen by the eye. But what you don't see is that most of these people are insecure or have low confidence. But there are also many people who are very good at portraying, either falsely or truthfully, a very high self-confidence, extreme happiness, severe independence or they are just easy to talk to and get along with. And these traits are definite reasons why men would want to be with women or why women would want to be with men.

I am an unlikely case, where I have come from both sides of the coin. I had a point in my life where I never had a boyfriend (I went to the prom without a date!) and have also had a point in my life where I probably could have gotten any man I wanted. The difference between those two stages of my life was how I portrayed and expressed myself as a person. When I was able to get any man I wanted, I was friendly, confident and very honest with who I was. I think it was highly attractive to men when I knew where I wanted to go with my life, what my dreams, goals and desires were and then I MOVED toward them. I made things happen in my life that I wanted. I desired it and went for it. Therefore, immediate hotness! It made me "hot" that I was driven toward something, even if the something was short-lived or stupid.

I know we all claim we have dreams and aspirations in life, but it's reaching them that is the attractive trait, not necessarily WHAT the dream is. And it's the people who don't have drive who seem insecure or fearful and THAT comes across as unattractive.

So, if you wanna get the guy or the girl get out there and act confident, have goals, love your life, be fearless, don't hold back and love yourself. Sometimes all of these traits are not possible at once, but a few is good enough. But I can guarantee that once you have them all, Mr. (or Mrs.) Right will walk right into your life.

Welcome to The Puzzle To Mr. Right

So I have been getting a lot of individuals asking me to start a blog based on my book that I am currently writing titled "The Puzzle To Mr. Right."
I considered placing excerpts of my book in the blog, and then daily experiences that may not be included in my book and even at one point considered blogging about my current relationship, but none of that seemed to be suitable to what I wanted to GET out of my blog and also what I wanted to offer.
I thought if I started a blog I wanted to help people, hence why I was writing my book. I wanted to aid in the search of finding "The One" and also be there to help with the next steps of the relationship with "The One." I didn't want it to be directed toward just women, but I also wanted men to want to get involved. It took a lot of thought to come up with the best idea for the blog and then it came to me as I read the newspaper today.
I want to start an advice column. Like a real Dear Abby sort-a-thing but minus the courtesy and ethics. I wanted it to be real because life is not about meeting "The One" anymore at a sock hop or a disco. Singles meet in bars now. They meet online. Being single in this generation is hard and I have tons more experience than I would ever want to admit to in the field. I have been married twice, divorced once, in an abusive relationship, in a long-distance relationship, in an only sexual relationship. I have been the "other woman" and I have also been the woman who had two, sometimes three boyfriends at once. I have also in my life been very ill, both mentally and physically because of relationships. I have not only been through it all, but also seen it all. And as much as a part of me would like to forget the majority of these experiences, it is these experiences that have brought me to where I am today... happy and healthy in a wonderful and loving marriage.
I want to help you. And at the same time you will be helping me.
So I ask you, what do you want to know about your new relationship, or better yet, why maybe you don't have a relationship? I will give you the best answers possible and at the same time, I will give you those straight-forward, obnoxious answers that you may not want to hear, but need to hear that I guarantee most people would not give.
So, go ahead, ask away....